I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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