I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
