ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
