I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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