We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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