it was like his penis was on wheels.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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