I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
you didnt know i had herpes?
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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