you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
i love accidental penises.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
