Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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