No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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