I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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