Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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