i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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