This dress was meant to end up on your floor
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
