i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Randomize
