I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Just puked most of my soul out..
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
