i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
