Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
splinters make it hard to masturbate
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
