We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
