Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
