I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
