well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
