Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize