Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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