He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
It's blow job season.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
