i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
