"it" just moved
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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