mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
