i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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