life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize