I can text with my tongue
just tell him i said nine months
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
