I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Randomize
