fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Randomize
