dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
