Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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