ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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