You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
