Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
