You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
