he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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