Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
