So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
