my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
