Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
