Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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