update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
