Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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