I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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