mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
