My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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