Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
