It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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