Someone shit on the floor
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
