just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
