he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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