i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
