I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
