FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
