He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
